Nail Gnashing

I’m currently being a bit of a bad student and am 逃课ing, so I decided to come to the café downstairs and write a blog about nothing in particular; train of thought like.

The weather is beginning to pick up. I was kind of banking on this because my heating has been broken for the past two weeks or so, but I was struggling to find the motivation to get someone to fix it. I have been sleeping in my duffel coat and three pairs of socks and spending as much time as I can in other people’s houses, cafés or at work. The forecast is gradually getting warmer and will reach the dizzy heights of 25-29°C by the weekend. Nanjing changes seasons very rapidly (spring and autumn only last a week or so), so there is little doubt that I will be complaining about sweaty armpits and mosquitoes in no time.

I have finally managed to find myself a tutor I can afford. At 35元/hour he is a bargain and I have my first class with him tomorrow. The classes organised by the university are all very well but there are quite a few people, over twenty I think, and it’s just too easy to get lost in the crowd. I have also managed to get myself a language partner, and the fantastic news is that her English is terrible, so I have to speak Chinese to her. In fact, a few times I have had to force her to speak English to me (when it is her turn to practice). It’s wonderful! So often a language partner will insist on speaking English most of the time, but Mona and I; we work well together. We’re going to the movies soon. I’ll help her through an English movie and she’ll do the same with a Chinese one. This was how I learnt Spanish and French way back when, so hopefully it will work here too.

I’m still trying to find work in Spain during summer. I have some links with a hotel in Marbella, but frankly that is the last place I want to end up. Far too many leather skinned, chiwawa-carrying, liposuctioned Brits there for my liking. I want to go somewhere where there are some actual Spanish people. I am going to get in touch with a couple of people I know in Barcelona (my favourite city on the European mainland) and see if they can have a look around on my behalf for bar work or some kind of temping agency. I will literally take anything. I did apply for work experience at the British embassy in Madrid but never heard back from them. I’ll follow that up, but I am doubtful.

I have been reading up on the Digital Economy Bill recently and am planning on making a video about it. Before I do I am trying to make sure I am as informed as possible so I can lay into it properly. I am a user of an awful lot of the services that are going to be affected, probably negatively, by this bill, and I think it’s really important we are aware of it and debate it openly. I don’t like that Mandelson seems to be trying to rush it through the House of Lord before the election. Expect that video on RWO before the end of the week.

Speaking of videos, I do apologise if anyone is hanging on for more JazzainChina content. I do have lots of footage to upload (including all the Japan footage, which I am considering making yet another new channel for) but have been über busy with classes starting again, trying to find a job and a tutor, and generally living. I will try and upload some soon, but I refuse to make a commitment as to when this will happen.

Just looked back on this blog and decided it needed a picture, or something, so here is a picture of when I went on a bike ride (one that lasted far too long) to see the plumb blossom... blossom. You can see I carried George the Ukulele 2.0 with me too.

In completely unrelated news, I am trying to stop biting my nails. I have managed to reduce the gnashing of my fingertips to a gentle nibble on all fronts apart from on my thumbs, which are still as hacked to dead as they always have been. Baby steps though, eh?

Climbing the Mountain

Can I first say thank you to all the lovely people who either tweeted me about or commented on the last blog post; you’re all lovely and giving me far too much praise that I definitely don’t deserve – but thank you. … Apart from Dave who is, as ever, a sarcastic little git.

I would like to now talk about China, because the Internet has been unfairly left in the dark about this rather large aspect of my life for a while now. JazzainChina is being ever so slightly neglected and I don’t blog on here nearly often enough.

Classes have started again. 8am starts are once again the kryptonite to my Superman, although I am pretty sure I understand an awful lot more than I did last semester, which can only be a good thing. I did have a mild breakdown just after coming back from Japan. The “Oh good God my Chinese is shit” panic attacks seem to be a regular part of life here, but I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never got my knickers in such a twist that I have wanted to quit – it has only made me more determined to climb this bloody huge mountain. Learning Chinese is definitely the hardest challenge I have ever set myself.

After the last mini breakdown I dusted myself off and decided to do something about it. I am now working at a hostel a friend of mine manages. I am her token western barman. The pay is rubbish (the equivalent of £1/hour) and customers are thin on the ground, but I get to practice with my colleagues and it’s a few hours a week where I get to read something behind the bar – whether Chinese related or not.

I have also started meeting up with and spending time with people whose English is really shit, thus forcing me to speak Chinese. The way I have managed to wrangle my way into doing this, is by going on dates. A high point for me was when I had an hour and a half conversation on the topics of Taiwan, tennis, Tottenham Hotspurs and various other things that don’t begin with T. During this time, English was only spoken for about 10 minutes. Granted, a lot of what was said to me went over my head, and I was told that my Chinese was very bad, but this is leaps and bounds from where I was at the beginning of the year. I believe I have the right to be proud of myself. Obviously if I am actually interested in the person I am on a date with I will of course speak in English; speaking like a retarded five year old isn’t hot.

I’ve also started chatting to and hanging out with my flatmate a lot more. We get on very well I think, and it’s a shame we haven’t done this more often.

I’m trying to make more of an effort to talk with the guys who I box with. I have found myself saying 听不懂 a lot less. Today I had a turning point in this department. My teacher told me that I was boxing well. This is kinda a big deal; I have always been the weird skinny 老外 that was paired with either the girl or the fat guy in the class (no offence to fat guys or girls). He then sat me down and asked me if I would tutor one of his friends in English. It’s almost like I got a reward for not sucking. God knows I need the teaching money at the moment as well.

I am also pretty certain that I am going to come back here after summer to do another year. I think I am on track with my Chinese so that Manchester University would be more than happy to take me back, but I am not yet content with my level. This might seem a little radical for some people but here are my reasons. I have a chance of getting a first (the highest grade awarded for a Uni degree in the UK) but it is a very slim chance. I’ve decided that I want to give it a shot, and I don’t stand a chance unless I make my Chinese amazing. I also set the bar very high for myself. I want my Chinese to be at least as good as my Spanish by the time I graduate, at this rate I won’t make it by the end of 2011. I’m applying to defer a year at the moment, and looking into scholarships to fund it.

But all in all, morale in the camp is up. 慢慢来.

Re: Coming Out

Over the weekend a lovely young man from Northern Ireland by the name of Adam posted this video coming out as gay to his viewers. May I first tip my hat to him for having the balls to do so; coming out to thousands in a YouTube video takes guts. I would also like to express how important I think his decision was not just for his viewers, but for the rest of the community on our lovely little video sharing website.

It is a well known fact that YouTube has never been short of gay men. The glory days of Perez Hilton, GayGod and William Sledd dominating the top positions on the subscription lists are all but a distant memory, and the 5awesomegays and WHATTHEBUCKSHOW still carry the great homosexual baton with pride.

So why am I saying that Adam’s coming out video is so important? If anything, isn’t he a bit late jumping on the wagon? And surely there are already plenty of Gay role models for YouTube viewers to watch and admire, aren’t there?

Michael Buckley and the 5AGays have always been, and will always be, gay centric channels. What Adam’s video has proved, is that you don’t have to make ‘gay’ videos to be gay and make it on YouTube. 5AG and Buck do a wonderful job at representing the community, but if you don’t want to label yourself as a gay channel, or talk about celebrity gossip, there are few places for a Gay viewer to look for inspiration to make videos.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this, and he mentioned that he had never made a “coming out” video because, if he were straight, then he would never think about making a video telling someone that he slept with women, why should it be any different because his preference is men?

He has a point, but then you watch a video like this, posted as a response to Adam’s.


Adam’s decision to go public with his sexuality clearly had a profound impact on this guy. It’s given him the hope that maybe he can do the same as Adam, and come out to his family and friends. It feels weird me saying this, but as people who have put ourselves in the public eye, it is almost our responsibility to tell people about our journeys, so as people treading the same path behind us have a smoother ride, so they know that it’s all going to be okay at the end of it all.

I identify as bisexual. The reason that I have never been public about this is because I have only recently begun using that term to describe myself. I didn’t know whether I was gay for a long time, but eventually it made sense that I did in fact like both, and should use a label to express that.

Everyone who knows me well enough knows about my sexuality and I am incredibly lucky that the worst reaction I have ever had to telling someone has been when the mother of a friend of mine told me that I was ‘greedy’. “Why can’t you just pick one and stick with it!?’ My parents have had to hear me come out to them twice, once as gay, and again telling them that, ‘sorry, but I kinda like girls too.’

Some of you may see this blog as a bit of a cop out. After all, nowhere near as many people read this as watch rhymingwithoranges, or even JazzainChina, but I have my reasons. RWO is now very much a news and debate channel, I haven’t vlogged on that for years, so a coming out video just doesn’t belong there. JiC is a travel blog and, again, the kind of video this requires just wouldn’t belong. This blog is the most personal thing I post on the Internet, this news (if you can call I news) is very personal, so this is where it belongs.

As Adam said, you can be appalled and unfollow/ unsubscribe if you like, that’s your problem, not mine. And as for anyone who is struggling with coming out themselves, or in trying to find a label, don’t rush it – and just know millions upon millions have gone through the same thing you have and came out the other end okay.


All the best.


Jazza

A return from travels

I haven't posted anything on this blog for a very long time. This can be put down to both laziness and the fact that I now have a written diary. It's much more personal and theraputic than something as public as this could ever be. Whenever I have the urge to write I write in my little green book, rather than posting on this blog.

I spent the last month or so travelling. First to Harbin and Beijing, and the last three weeks in Japan. I didn't take many photos, mainly video footage, which I plan to start ploughing my way through in the next couple of weeks before class starts again. But here are a couple I did take.

I really need to invest in a camera that has a flash and takes decent photos instead of using the less than perfect photo setting on my video cam.

But anyway, I am back in Nanjing now. We had Chinese New Year the night of the 13th. Fireworks were exploding all around the city to create the atmosphere of a happy war zone. It started snowing just before midnight so the morning of the 14th I woke up to this.

I'm not sure I appreciate the cold but at least it looked pretty.

Well, this blog should probably come to a close. I intend to post more on here. I need to practice writing more. I will leave you with an image of one of the most noteworthy purchases I made in Japan; my giant cuddly pikachu.

Report Cards

I teach English at the local Normal University. The students are very young, between five and nine years old, which is new for me. I have never taught anyone younger than around 14, and the average age of my students when I was in Manchester was probably around mid-forties.

I haven’t enjoyed teaching children as much as I had always thought. With age and language as a barrier, it become infinitely harder to form any kind of personal relationship with them, to care about their lives, their families etc, which was what I loved about this profession. They aren’t yet fuelled with the passionate hormones of adolescence or the weathered wisdom of old age. They’re like half baked people; they have their own personalities and quirks, which are lovely, but there is nothing past that first layer.

This may make me sound cold and heartless, “children bore me”, and I always thought I would be good with kids; but having to be up-beat all the time whilst somehow trying to explain the present continuous to a five-year-old can be immensely exhausting. I miss the banter and the teasing that can happen when teaching older kids or adults. I have a new-found respect for primary school teachers.

At the end of every lesson I have to write a short comment on the students’ performances. It’s not expected to be in too much depth, it usually reads something like;

“Emily continues to have one of the highest reading levels in the class but still needs to look over grammar regularly. Keep up the good work!” – Mr. John

By the way, the students and parents all refer to me as Mr. John. Jazza provokes pronunciation problems in a variety of languages, and insisting on being called Mr. McMillan-Clenaghan would just be cruel to anyone, let alone five-year-old Chinese children. So we settled with Mr. John.

The parents are expected to read this report and take on any advice that I give them. Few of the parents, however, speak very good English. I thus decided to have a little fun with these report cards – shrouding them in metaphor, idioms and various other poetic devices. Yes, yes, maybe this is the cold, heartless Jazza rearing his head again. But, you know what, bugger it and screw your judgement that I am feeling through the computer screen right now.

Here are some of the reports I have sent home:

“Ringo may have entered into the class late but he is already become a dark horse of the competition. If he bears his current course steadily and is able to soar over the various hurdles that the English language throws at him he will most definitely continue to float my boat and ace whatever test I desire to launch in his direction. Keep up the good work!”

“Anna is like a hawk stalking her prey when it comes to her grasp of the passive voice. She has not quite tasted the sweet flesh of this grammatical structure yet, but so long as she keeps her eyes on the goal, not wavering for a second (be sure to practice for at least an hour a day at home) in no time at all she will soar to great heights. She continues to be one of the best students in the class. Keep up the good work!”

“It is as if Emily has the many arms of an octopus when one considers her amazing ability throughout her language learning. Her grammar is flawless, her pronunciation faultless and she is quite simple lovely to boot. I am confident that the fate of Nemo, getting lost, will not befall her and that she will become queen of the great sea that is the English language. Keep up the good work!”

Reading some of these back, I even struggle to remember what the hell I was going on about.

I would like to stress that I only do these elaborate report cards every so often, generally when I have nothing constructive to say apart from, “Keep up the good work!” I am sure that, when I do write like this, I do it in my most illegible teachers’ scrawl.

I am in Nanjing for Christmas, which is going to be a strange but interesting affair. Maybe I will take some pictures. God knows this blog needs some pictures.

blown up in my birthday suit

My Sunday morning started rather peculiarly. I was half way through soaping up in the shower when what appeared to be an air-raid siren sounded, rather loudly, across the city. Needless to say I was a little bit taken aback by this phenomenon, never having been in an air-raid before or, in fact, any other kind of situation that has needed an alarm other than a fire drill. I scanned my brain for some useful information; had anyone at work or Uni told me that there would be a city-wide fire-alarm today? Did someone fail to inform me that Nanjing gets earthquakes? Had someone declared war? Had an atomic bomb dropped? Was I going to be blasted to oblivion in my birthday suite and covered in Head and Shoulders?

In the end none of these happened. In 1937 the Japanese invaded the then capital of the Chinese republic, Nanjing. In the following six weeks a slaughter ensued which some estimate left over 300, 000 people dead, tens of thousands of women raped and a city in ruin. This incident is one of the forgotten war crimes of World War II, in the vast majority of the west at least, and was named the Rape of Nanjing. Those sirens that I heard were the same sirens used to warn the citizens of Nanjing of the coming of Japanese bombers during the weeks and months before they finally entered the walls of the city. The event still has resonance in eastern Asia today, especially concerning relations between Japan, who still refuse to accept full responsibility for what happened, and the Chinese. Anyone who is even vaguely interested in this should read the Iris Chang book, The Rape of Nanking (Nanking being the then Romanised name of the city).

On an ever so slightly lighter note, I have exams this week, which is why this blog, as well as JiC and RWO, have been neglected in the past few weeks. My days have consisted of spending hours in what we call ‘the Korean room’ (due to the fact that Koreans are probably the most studious nationality on the face of the planet) and drinking copious amounts of coffee. I had my first one today; God only knows how it went, it was one of those exams where luck plays an important part. I am planning on pulling something close to an all-nighter tonight, or at least until the unholy hours of the morning. I have pretty much sorted out my grammar for reading tomorrow, but vocabulary seems to never find a cosy little corner of my brain in which to nestle, it keeps getting kicked out my random facts about the Pokémon: Johto television series. Damn my wasted youth!

Less has also been written in this blog because I have started a written diary as well, with pages and ink and stuff. It makes me feel really intellectual and has become a major way for me to vent and talk to myself… as if I needed yet another medium in which to indulge my emo tendencies.

I also failed to mention on anywhere other than Twitter that I went to Hong Kong last week with Johnny and Emma. You can read about bits of it here. I had a lovely time, the break that I needed from the squat toilets, constant spitting and lack of Christmas songs on the main-land. Emma also rarely gets up before midday, so I was able to get at least a bit of revision done for this week.

I will let you know how things go… maybe. I have many videos to shoot and edit when I finish if you care.

I am now off to watch some of the weekend’s X-Factor (Stacey should have won) and then start my revision binge. I bid ye good night.

J

Proficiency Plummeting Profoundly

I just got my computer back and working after literally DAYS without it. It was horrible. I hope you can empathise. This of course now means that my productivity in anything non-computer based, like reading and generally learning stuff, will plummet profoundly.

I was taken to the technology district of Nanjing to go and try and find out what was wrong with the bloody thing by two of my flatmates. They happen to both be gay and make a wonderful couple. This also apparently seemed to give them licence to, pretty much constantly, compliment me and talk about me. I was told I had a great figure, that my skin was so lovely and white, my eyes so wonderfully blue, t’was lovely to receive such praise… but what the hell can you say to that? Fanx lol!

It turns out the fuse in my plug had blown and run out of battery. Therefore, seeing as the retailer I asked had no new plugs of the British disposition, I had to buy a Chinese lead. I groaned at the prospect, expecting the price to be extortionate, it turned out to be 10RMB, the equivalent of £1. I love China!

I am also overly excited about the fact I now have a Chinese plug on the end of my computer. I feel like a local, no longer burdened by the need of chunky adaptors – so liberating!

A part of me is a little annoyed though. I was all set out for a prolonged laptop-fast. I would have been able to read books, study hard for the exams (which are now less than a month away by the way!) and write in my diary (as in a real book, with pages and inks and stuff – not a website), which I have now started updating properly.

But alas! What do I do as soon as I get the VPN on my computer working again? Twitter, YouTube, Facebook; all typed in and loaded in quick succession. When I have a computer with an Internet connection in front of me it’s like dangling heroin in front of a recovering addict.

I am worried a little about how connected I am to the Internet and therefore the rest f the world here. I suppose I would have to be plonked in the middle of the Sahara to get away from it now-a-days, but then there would inevitably be some catacomb with a WiFi terminal.

How much can I really get involved and immersed in China when I have the BBC and Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance but a click away?

In other news I am a little frustrated with my Chinese right now. I have just got back from boxing, something I am so glad I took up. At the end of the session I was sitting there, all topless and sweaty and the like, when this guy with whom I have spared with in the past, Song, came up to start a conversation.

I understood absolutely nothing apart from the fact he was talking about my membership card. I then tried to steer the conversation towards something closer to my level of understanding, asking him how old he was and what job he did. His age I comprehended with ease (he is 26) but all I got from asking his profession was that its second character was “术” (shu)…

I just looked it up on nciku.com and it turns out he works in technology… I have so many questions now! What kind of technology (技术)? Do you work with computers? If I have problems with my computer, could you possibly pop over, figure out that my laptop has run out of battery and then proceed to laugh at me?

As it stands, I had no idea what “术” meant, so the conversation simply petered out into awkward silence. I think he then mumbled something about needing the toilet – I put some clothes on and then left.

It’s so bloody frustrating! I have quite a good reading level in Chinese, along with my writing, and my listening, despite the complication with Song, isn’t horrific. But I just can’t bloody communicate! This is the first time in my language learning history that my speaking has been so bad in comparison with my other disciplines. Oral has always been my forte!

It is I suppose, so much in this country, very humbling.