Warning, this is very long and even I am not too sure what it is about.
Welcome to Jazza's train of thought.
*WARNING* emo levels are high
I am currently using any excuse under the sun to distract myself from a Chinese essay I am currently about 2/3 of the way through. It's my last chance to get a proper decent mark on for my Chinese writing module in that is that last of three chances I get (they take the highest mark you get over the term and the last two have been distinctly average) but I'm just not feeling it. Another low 2-1 me thinks.
I am currently thinking of the vlog I did just yesterday and am content. I was genuinely nervous about it when I was recording, feeling like I was very out of practice, but it turned out well. I joked about it but it was what I originally did on YouTube and it was nice to go visit my roots again.
A consequence to doing a vlog after such a long time was that a lot of my very old vlogs came up in the description and good god they were cringe worthy. I was, quite frankly, a great big self promotional whore. As well as being distinctly average at editing. I watched one specific one in which I was over the moon about reaching 90 subscribers, which in retrospect is a very arbitrary number to be so happy about. I say how happy I am and then proceed to whore myself for a large majority of the video saying why people should subscribe to me and tell as many people as they can that I exist. And this was me just over a year ago.
I can't stand people who do that, just whore themselves, focusing on the subscriber and views numbers rather than their content and the people behind the screen names that are gracious enough to comment. I even deliberately never ask people to subscribe because I think it's rude. Have I really changed that much in 14 months?
Saying it like that 14 month is a reasonably long time. I mean, a baby could have been conceived and born just over one and a half times by then! Looking back this year, with Uni, YouTube, teaching and holding down God knows how many jobs over the summer just gone must have changed me.
I feel older now... which is a stupid thing to say because I am. But I feel like I can hold my own in a debate, a conversation with practically anyone whether it be my family, my subscribers or a room full of the top people from the News of the World (I never told you about that... woops).
I used to be a bit of a blunder. People knew that I was kinda smart in that I had a brain between my ears but I was always seen as a bit dopey, a bit of a screw ball. But now I have this voice that people listen too and value as a genuine opinion. It's nice. I guess that's why I was apprehensive about vlogging again, I didn't want to go back to being the hyper, goofy one.
I was invited to a Christmas do that my old school does every year for ex-students and I was elated that I wouldn't have to go due to the fact my term finishes too late because I didn't want to just be Jazza again. The Jazza in the heads of all the people I used to know at school is no where near the Jazza that exists now.
But I guess I'm allowed to be goofy-me. The majority of people who commented on my latest vlog told me that I didn't need a new channel because they like that I'm not just this robot that talks about news like a TV anchor. I think I should embrace old Jazza more. But no matter what anyone says, I am not going to that Christmas party.
*EDIT* So, from essays, to being a whore, to being goofy, to being listened to, to Christmas parties... My mental process is... how do the French say?